The Akatsuki Experiment
by Viaxial
Summary: Orochimaru has found a new justu, and he decides to try it out. His test subjects? The Akatsuki
1. Author's Rambling

**Author's Ramblings**

**Note: this is just a page where I explain some things, giving you some background information. This isn't necessary to the story line itself, so you can skip this if you want.**

**I got the idea for this story one night when I was delirious with sleep. I thought to myself, "what If I changed the Akatsuki into women?" And so here it is. This is my first attempt at a comedy, since I'm trying to see which genre of writing I'm best at. My story style is generally plot developments with bits of humor here and there, so that may be present in the story.**

**Hidan is also my favorite member of Akatsuki ever, so he may appear pretty often in this story. Like, _a lot_. He's just so easy to write, and to give all the jokes to! But I tried to cut down on him too. I also tried to be in character as much as I could and then change them to the women they're suppose to be. If you see a random "he" or "his" in there, it's really hard to remember that the Akatsuki are women now XD**

**Criticism would be great for me to gauge how well I do this, but try to be nice. My poor heart can't tolerate much verbal abuse D: Any ideas on what I should work on or can change to make it better would be lovely**

**I hope you enjoy it and it doesn't suck too bad!**


	2. Prologue

**A/N: This is my first comedy story, so it probably sucks. But this is a learning process. I will learn, if you are willing to teach :) I own nothing. This all belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and Tv Tokyo, no infringement of any kind was meant here.**

A hooded figure flashed past the trees, appearing as nothing more than a shadow to anyone who happened to notice him. He traveled fast, and easily reached his destination within minutes. A large boulder stood before him, at least two stories high. A single tag lay in the center of the boulder, simple in appearance but a deadly effective method to keep out intruders. Orochimaru smirked as the hood of the cloak fell away from his face, moonlight making his already pale skin look positively sickening. He walked to a small opening that was only about two inches wide, barely enough room for a mouse. "More than enough room for a snake though." He chuckled to himself. His body contorted and contracted until he was boneless, and he slid inside the small crack. Once inside, he took a few seconds to observe his surroundings. Ah, the old feeling of familiarity washed over him, and he'd stay longer if he hadn't heard his old comrade Hidan approaching. Orochimaru couldn't hear words, but by the tone of his voice, Hidan was bitching. Again.

"Transgender no jutsu!" Orochimaru whispered, complete with a complex set of hands signals that looked like a deranged form of sign language. Visible to no one else but the snake whisperer, the jutsu spread wider and wider, encompassing the whole base until Orochimaru could feel all the chakra of his old partners. With a chuckle, he made himself boneless again and slid through the opening, the last bit of his body flickering out of sight just as Hidan entered view.

"What the fuck?" Orochimaru tensed on the other side, hoping he hadn't been discovered. "Going to have to tell the lead asshole we have rats. I fucking hate rats." The last bit was mumbled to himself, and Orochimaru heaved a sigh of relief when he heard Hidan's steps fading away. Feeling victorious, Orochimaru sped away into the darkness, gleeful to observe the effects of his new Jutsu the next day.


	3. Chapter 1

**A/N: Updates to this story will be spotty, since my mom doesn't know I moonlight as a freelance writer (shhh!), so there isn't much time for me to write that often. And I hope you'll bear with me during this time period if you like the story. Reviews are welcome.**

**I also have no relation to Midol whatsoever, in terms of business and stuff like that.**

"HOLY. SHIT!" Hidan's yell echoed throughout the whole base. He couldn't believe his eyes, what was staring him right in the face. Horrified for once in his life, he stumbles out of his room and runs to the bathroom, needing further proof.

_It can't be. _He thought furiously, legs pumping. _It can't fucking be true! _On his way to the bathroom, he spotted a familiar orange orb standing in the hallway. The idiot was actually _playing _in the middle of the hallway.

"Hidan!" Tobi cried happily, moving directly in front of the speeding Jashinist. "Look at-" Tobi never got to finish his sentence, for Hidan placed his hand on Tobi's mask and shoved him violently to the side.

"Move, bitch!" He growled, not slowing his pace a bit. The sound of plastic and body hitting the wall barely registered in Hidan's frantic mind. He was enraged to see that almost every other Akatsuki member was standing in the way of what he wanted. The bathroom mirror. Pushing and shoving, he finally found a space and looked. Hidan's fears were confirmed, since this mirror was clear and wasn't stained with blood.

"What's happened to us?" Deidara cried out hopelessly. He was running his hands over his new…breasts. Hidan looked down and faced his own reality; he had breasts as well. All of Akatsuki had suddenly and unexpectedly been turned into women.

"Ok, settle down people." Pain said some time later, in an emergency meeting. Pain's voice had taken on a higher pitch to it, and all of Akatsuki could see the outline of breasts beneath his cloak. "Something has gone terribly wrong."

"You think?" A raspy voice asked from the back. Kakuzu stepped forward, her clothes dropping from her now smaller body. She angrily gestured to the new lot of females. "We're all women, if you haven't noticed. And women don't make as much on the black market." She complained, crossing her arms.

"Even Sasori danna!" Deidara chimed in. Everyone looked, and at first, they thought Sasori hadn't changed at all, cause he looked exactly the same. But then, they noticed the telltale bumps on her chest. Of course, Deidara announcing this also brought attention onto himself.

"You sure you a girl now, pansy?" HIdan snickered. Deidara glared, but it was true. Deidara looked _exactly _the same as before.

"I'm a girl, un! Look!" And he opened his Akatsuki cloak wide, proving that he was indeed, a she. Everyone quickly look away, all except for Pain. He leered, making Deidara quite uncomfortable, and prompting him to close his cloak.

"Where's Konan?" Kisame asked, a silent Itachi by his side. No one could tell if the stoic Uchiha was affected at all by his gender change. All she did was stand there and occasionally close her eyes, nothing unusually for Itachi.

"I'm back here." Everyone jumped as a deep male voice came from the stairs. Konan was coming down the stairs, as a _dude. _His Akatsuki cloak hung open, too small for his larger body. Luckily, he had managed to find some pants.

_Mine, _Kakuzu noted with a frown, calculating how much money he had just lost. Konan's hair was disheveled, but definitely shorter, about as long as Pain's had been when he was a man. He stumbled down the steps and waddled like a penguin over to where the group had gathered.

"It feels like there's something between my legs." Konan complained before plopping down on the sofa and crossing his legs. Grimacing, he uncrossed them and let them fall open.

"There is now!" Hidan laughed, pointing at Konan. He immediately stopped when he felt his extremely large chest bounce with every inhale. Konan glared at HIdan, but otherwise ignored her, instead turning his attention to Pain.

"So what now?" Konan asked, unconsciously scratching her stomach. Pain closed her eyes for a bit before snapping her fingers.

"Now we get dressed. Konan, pass out your spare cloaks to everyone. If you run out, use Deidara's extra ones." A feminine protest went up, but was ignored in Zetsu's outburst.

"_We cannot stay like this! " _Zetsu's white half cried.

**"Being a female is icky!" **The black half growled. Pain half-interestedly noticed that even Zetsu's venus flytrap was girly, with more rounded edges and closer to her head.

"It's not like any of us enjoy it, un!" Deidara snapped at the plant. At that moment, Tobi came forward doing a twirl as he cupped his small breasts.

"Tobi likes it! Tobi thinks it's fun to have these things! Can Tobi keep them?" She asked Pain eagerly.

"No fuckhead, we're going to find a way to get changed back." Hidan snapped at her. To everyone's surprise, Kisame stepped forward and cradled Tobi's head.

"Don't be so mean, Hidan!" The fish implored. "Tobi's only asking a simple question." They watched in silent amazement as Kisame petted Tobi's head before shooting Hidan a glare.

"Yeah, Kisame says be nice to Tobi!" Tobi parroted.

"I'll cut off that empty ass head of yours!" Hidan growled, taking her scythe off her back. Tobi gave a squeak and scurried behind Kisame, who stood in front of him protectively. Pain sighed, feeling a headache forming. This was going to be a long day.

"I'm back!" Konan called, arms laden with Akatsuki cloaks. Each member stripped down and took either a coat from Konan or Deidara. Konan also removed the cloak he was wearing and tried on different ones until he found he could fit Itachi's.

"We're under the effects of a jutsu." Itachi finally spoke once she was redressed. Her hair spilled down her shoulders, not yet placed back into her ponytail.

"Well no shit, Sherlock." Hidan sneered. "Who else hadn't figured that out?" No one was surprised when Tobi raised his hand, for that was to be expected. When they all looked back to Itachi for a response, no one questioned how his hair was suddenly back inside a ponytail.

"We have to find the wielder of the justu and have them reverse it." Hidan's next comment was cut off by Kisame pulling out his Samehada threateningly.

"Exactly. Pair up like usual and later today, we'll go looking for this person who cast this Justu." With that, everyone broke off and headed to their respective rooms, trying to get a feel for their new bodies.


	4. Chapter 2: Deidara and Sasori, part 1

Deidara stood posing in front of her bedroom mirror, twisting at all angles to get a clearer view of her new body. _At least I still look the same, minus the girly parts. _She thought happily. And once they reversed this justu, she was happily going to bomb that person into oblivion.

"I look good." She mumbled to herself, exploring new artistic points of view. After all, girls were on a wholly different level for Deidara. Or at least, being a girl was.

"Senpai!" Deidara cursed herself for not locking the 8 bolts she had on the door when Tobi suddenly burst into his room, knocking over Deidara's recent clay sculpture of a bird. The clay immediately shattered upon impact, and Deidara felt as if her heart had shattered with it.

"No, my bird sculpture!" Deidara cried, falling to her knees and gather the shards close to her bosom. Sasori happened to be walking by, and he poked his head through the door at Deidara's anguished cry.

"Relax, Deidara. It's only a bird, and you make ones exactly like that one all the time." Sasori said calmly. Deidara looked up horrified, and there was a tear shimmering in her eye.

"It wasn't only a bird! I put my heart and soul into this! And now it's gone forever!" Huge sobs wracked Deidra's body, startling both Tobi and Sasori.

"But Senpai, Tobi see's you make those all the time. You blow them up afterwards, like this!" To demonstrate, Tobi grabbed another small sculpture and pegged it at the floor, it facing the same fate as its companion. If it were possible, Deidara's face fell even more.

"NO! What kind of monster are you? What have I done to deserve this!" Deidara wept, scrambling furiously across the floor for the shattered pieces.

"Deidara…?" Sasori asked hesitantly. Deidara had never shown so much concern over sculptures he'd made, even sometimes breaking or exploding them himself. Deidara's ponytail whipped across his face as he glared at both Tobi and Sasori.

"You two are just, just…just plain mean! Get out of my room! You too, danna!" Deidara ushered Tobi out of his room and into Sasori's arms. The impact of the door being slammed resonanted within the house, and Sasori could hear all eight bolts clicking shut. Then, much more quietly, he heard the sound of Deidara weeping. Sasori exchanged a look with Tobi, both women utterly confused.

"What have you done to her?" The sound of an angry Kisame sounded behind them. She wielded her Samehada threatening, causing Tobi to whimper and Sasori to wish she was in her other puppet.

"Senpai just cried cause Tobi accidently broke his sculpture, then he cried some more when Tobi broke another sculpture on purpose." She explained. Kisame gasped in horror before shoving both of them out of the way and approaching the door.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Tobi! Not only is Deidara a girl now, but you broke her things! Bad bo- uh, girl!" Kisame amended at the last second. Even with the gender change, the meaning got through to Tobi, and she gasped before placing her hands to her mask and running away crying.

"I hate being strict with her. I would much rather prefer to be kind and gentle, you know?" Kisame turned to Sasori for confirmation. Sasori didn't say anything, just stared until Kisame turned to Deidara's door. Next to Itachi, Sasori showed the least amount of emotion.

"Go away!" Deidara cried out from when Kisame knocked on her door. "I want to be left alone right now! My eye is red and my stomach hurts like crazy!" The door seemed to respond to Kisame's knock.

"Sweetheart, Sasori and I just wanna talk to you, make you feel better." Sasori was about to tell Kisame he felt otherwise, but a glare and a tap from her Samehada made Sasori swallow his protest. After a few minutes, you could hear bolts being unturned, and a red eyed Deidara appeared in the doorway.

"Okay, fine, but only you and danna!" She demanded. Sasori was unfortunately dragged back into Deidara's room. Kisame immediately wrapped her blue arms around Deidara and stroked her ponytail, causing her to leak a few more tears.

"Sasori, can you close the door?" Kisame asked. Sasori complied and she did close the door, only with her on the other side. All the recent outpouring of emotions had made her feel nauseous, and she went to her room to hide in Hikaru and hopefully regain some of his former masculinity.

"And that's when I told them to get out!" Deidara finally concluded, used tissues scattered across her bed. Kisame comfortingly rubbed her back as she tried to cry some more, but couldn't. "How could they just carelessly destroy my property like that?"

"Cause they are just plain heartless." Kisame's words seemed to cheer up Deidara before she grimaced and flopped backwards onto her bed, rubbing her stomach.

"Man, this stomach ache is really bugging me." Deidara complained. Kisame sympathized with her, but otherwise couldn't do anything for her. Hidan chose that moment to burst into Deidara's room.

"Hey estrogen factories! Leader's called another meeting, get your asses in gear!" She demanded before leaving the door wide open. Kisame made sure that Deidara was going to be okay before getting off the bed and leaving.

"You take as much time as you need hun." Kisame said with a smile before closing Deidara's door gently. Deidara smiled at the closed door before groaning and placing another hand on her stomach, the pain suddenly intensifying. But she tried to ignore it, and climbed off her bed. This was just a stomach ache, it'll go away soon, right?

* * *

"OH MY GOD, I'M DYING!" Deidara's shriek sounded from upstairs. The Akatsuki had gather downstairs ten minutes ago and had (rather impatiently) been waiting for Deidara. The all watched her limp up to the top of the stairs. And, to (Kisame's) horror, she pitched forward and tumbled down the stairs. There was no other sound besides Deidara's pained moans, and Hidan's muffled snickers.

"Why do you think you're dying, Deidara?" Pain asked her prone form calmly. Deidara pulled herself up and looked imploringly at Pain.

"This justu must be killing me! I'm bleeding internally, that's why my stomach hurts so bad!" She cried, clutching her offended area. Konan stepped around Pain to inspect Deidara.

"Where are you bleeding from, exactly?" Konan asked Deidara. She sniffled, then her eyes bugged out of her head in understanding and horror.

"Ohmygod, I'm not dying!" Tobi cheered at this, but everyone ignored her as per usual. "It's WORSE! I'm on my _period!_" Deidara shrieked. Everyone in Akatsuki but Konan and Tobi shrank away from Deidara and you could see the collective "ew" thoughts on their face.

"Tobi doesn't get it. What is a period Zetsu-san?" Tobi whispered to her right. The white half decided to answer her.

_Nothing you need to worry about. You'll probably find out soon enough anyways._ Zetsu informed the clueless ninja.

"Stop crying, first thing." Konan informed her harshly. Deidara did that ugly snuffling noise someone does when they've been crying too hard and trying to stop at the same time, and after being threatened with paper cuts in unmentionable places, Deidara got her act together. "Now, do I have to tell you what a tampon is?" Deidara shook her head no.

"I know that they stop bleeding for girls in their, uh, 'special areas.' Those and pads." Pleased, Konan picked her off the floor by one arm and set her properly on her feet.

"Go into my bathroom and look for the bottle of pills labeled Midol, they'll help the pain. Then look underneath my sink and use the tampon to.." at this point, Konan leaned closer and whispered into Deidara's ear.

"They go _where?" _Deidara asked, pure shock on her face. "I can't do that, it's not possible!" She protested.

"It is, and it's been proven. Now go, and change pants." Looking like she was heading into battle, Deidara reluctantly went upstairs. Pain watched Deidara's ass as she went, but then abrubtly turned around and began to address the Akatsuki. Everyone had to look down to see her, since she had become the shortest member when she transformed.

"Now that that's over, I want you all to head out soon. Once Deidara's back on her feet, we'll leave. Get ready." Pain concluded the meeting by closing his eyes and standing there, Itachi style. Hidan snorted and placed her scythe comfortably on her back.

"I hope Jashin-sama still recognizes me and my sacrifices to him." Suddenly worried at the thought, Hidan began to pace. "I'll just kill twice as many people as before." She mumbled to herself. Kakuzu was sitting in a recliner, equally concerned as to how she was going to do her business deals as a woman. When she calculated all the money she could potentially lose from undone business deals, she felt all five of her hearts constrict and flutter.

* * *

"I'm ready now, danna." Deidara alerted her partner, who was sitting on the couch and staring blankly at the TV. Sasori got up with a creak in one of her joints and sauntered over to Deidara.

"Then let's go." Sasori and Deidara waited impatiently for the boulder to rise out of their way and allow them to leave the Akatsuki base, wondering for the umpteenth time why they didn't have something a lot more convenient. It didn't take long for the outlawed ninjas to arrive in the many part of the Village Hidden In The Rain ,which was the only place Akatsuki could walk around freely and not get arrested .

"Where should we start danna?" Deidara asked her superior curiously. Sasori turned her head with a clanking sound towards a nearby market.

"There, so I can find some oil for my joints." They two walked silently towards their destination, but Deidara kept turning her head around and jumping at every little sound.

"Hey there sweetheart, wanna have a good time?" A man with ragged brown hair and an eye patch leered at Deidara.. She shuddered before moving on quickly, feeling vunerable and exposed. "Don't be like that, baby!" A hand reached out and snagged Deidara by her arm, halting her movements.

"Sasori! Help me!" Deidara cried, but the noise of the marketplace blocked out Deidara's high pitched voice. The man whipped Deidara around and pressed her tightly against his body. The fear Deidara had been feeling turned to anger, and she reached inside her Akatsuki cloak for some clay.

"I've had a horrible day today, so you really don't want to mess with me pal!" She threantened him. Deidara may have taken the pill to relieve the pain, but the awkwardness of where the tampon was kept her in a foul mood. The man paid her no heed, obviously proving that he was a stranger to the village. No one messed with the people in the black and red cloaks.

"Just one kiss, and we'll see how it goes from there." The man leered, stretching out rubbery lips to reveal browned teeth. Deidara was disgusted beyond reason.

"Kiss this!" She yelled, and flung a clay heart directly towards the man's face. Deidara took one giant leap back and landed behind a fruit cart before she detonated the bomb. The explosion wasn't a big one, but there were lots of people around. The fruit cart blew up as well, knocking Deidara back a couple feet. She could see pieces of the man himself and innocent bystanders everywhere, and she was grinning maniacally. Wiping bits of fruit off her face, she got up to survey her work. A crater was all that was left of the poor man, and the citizens who had survived kept about their business, now quite use to the random moments of the Akatsuki. Explosions were commonplace for them.

Sasori was browsing through various cans of oil when the explosion happened. A huge gust of wind whipped through the store, and a large chunk of wood flew towards Sasori. She easily side stepped it, and it instead crushed another innocent bystander who went down with a loud cry of pain before falling silent.

"Deidara, what have you done?" Sasori growled, holding her hand up to her face to deflect some of the wind. Stepping through the debris, Sasori made her way toward the exit of the store, having to stand on a wooden beam to see outside.

"Hey you!" A voice croaked beneath Sasori's feet. She looked down to see a mousy looking man pinned underneath the beam she was currently standing on. "Help this off of me, please." Sasori went back to searching for Deidara, forgetting the man almost instantly.

"Wait! Please, help this off of me." The man implored. Seeing that begging wasn't going to get him anywhere, he tried a different tactic. "My name is Michael Tamora, and I work for a modeling agency. Help this off of me, and we'll talk about your future as a model."

Sasori was going to put the man out of his misery when she heard him say "future". She looked down at him once more before looking back up and spotting Deidara, who was throwing toothpaste and other dental items in a carter and screaming something unintelligible. Between dealing with _that _and rescuing this man, the rescue was easier.

"My future, huh?" Sasori asked with interest.


End file.
